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Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
if you ask the questions he’ll give you
00:01
the answers most women never ask the
00:03
questions and so they never get the
00:04
truth from a guy if you can go away and
00:06
be strong on your own when you come back
00:09
you can be a better leader for him as
00:11
well if you don’t care about a guy
00:12
you’re far more likely to jump into bed
00:14
with him than a guy you really like and
00:15
you go oh well no i just i didn’t want
00:17
to ruin it with you
00:22
i am really proud of my modern day
00:24
commitment um
00:26
it seems that like people have a really
00:28
hard time committing these days like
00:30
there’s always something better out
00:31
there and i’m sure social media has a
00:33
lot to do with it people comparing their
00:35
lives to others and i know in l.a where
00:37
i live there’s a lot of men have peter
00:39
pan syndrome and they don’t want to grow
00:41
up
00:42
but it makes me weary to get into
00:43
relationship because i feel like
00:46
you know
00:47
people are always kind of worried about
00:48
maybe there’s something better out there
00:50
and and commitment just doesn’t seem to
00:52
be as honored as it used to be and it’s
00:54
causing me some fear into getting into
00:57
relationships and i think i
00:58
i just wanted to get your thoughts on
01:00
that um
01:01
how i can maybe work through some of
01:03
that and be more trusting
01:05
yeah that’s it
01:06
that’s a great two-part question i mean
01:08
firstly i think in general people are
01:09
worse at committing to anything these
01:11
days i think people are worse at
01:12
committing to careers uh i think they’re
01:15
worse at committing to a life path i
01:17
think they’re worse at committing to
01:18
marriage i think we we have uh shorter
01:21
attention spans and
01:23
also we have i think a certain level of
01:25
entitlement these days
01:26
that makes us feel like we’re entitled
01:28
to a job that is amazing and exciting
01:30
the whole time and as soon as it’s not
01:32
we feel like we need to quit and move on
01:33
to something else i think we feel like
01:35
we’re entitled to a relationship that
01:37
isn’t any work that’s supposed to be
01:39
easy and then as soon as it’s not we
01:41
start looking for the next thing
01:43
and not to mention if you live in a
01:44
place like la and people in london or
01:46
new york or many major cities will all
01:48
relate to this you do face a lot of
01:50
people with a lot of different options
01:52
and everything is it’s every in in a
01:55
city like this it’s everything all the
01:57
time
01:59
it’s everything always you can have
02:01
whatever you want any time of day you
02:03
can go out every night of the week there
02:04
are always new people there’s an endless
02:07
stream of them there’s always something
02:09
else going on and that makes it somewhat
02:12
difficult now
02:14
what we have to understand is that there
02:16
are different experiences of life
02:19
there’s the experience for example of
02:22
going out and sleeping with multiple
02:24
people and having a kind of roster of
02:27
people on the go that you enjoy and
02:29
you’re just seeing where that takes you
02:30
and you have all the variety that comes
02:32
with that then you have the experience
02:34
which is being with one person and
02:36
sharing your day with them and
02:38
figure finding out how they are when
02:40
they get home and telling them how you
02:41
are when you get home and you know you
02:43
go and you go and do something with that
02:45
person and you can really relate to them
02:46
because you know them you share your
02:48
news with them and you want to share
02:49
your news because
02:50
they know how hard you worked for that
02:52
promotion that you’re now excited about
02:53
unlike the person you met last week who
02:55
doesn’t care it’s a different experience
02:58
people grow and as they mature or
03:00
hopefully mature not every guy does but
03:02
as they mature they start to have uh
03:05
they value experiences differently some
03:08
people go through their lives and they
03:09
begin to truly value that sense of real
03:11
meaning and connection that comes with
03:13
being with one person other people by
03:15
the way never get to that stage i
03:17
actually i truly believe that that’s the
03:20
minority i think that most people
03:22
actually get to a point where they want
03:24
more meaning in their lives
03:26
that’s
03:26
that’s very good to hear because that’s
03:28
kind of what i was wondering is you know
03:30
how as things have changed you know when
03:32
i think of my parents and the 60s
03:34
whatever it was such a natural thing to
03:36
commit to somebody and that’s what you
03:38
did and now it seems more unnatural to
03:40
do that because you know divorce is
03:42
prevalent in things but i think like
03:44
you’re saying inherently maybe in humans
03:46
like people ultimately do want a quality
03:48
experience and so it just does it’s like
03:50
a maturity thing then it is and and
03:52
here’s here’s where the results get
03:54
skewed because i think that most guys
03:56
will get to a point where they want more
03:58
meaning
03:59
with the minority never wanting more
04:01
meaning or or having some sort of
04:03
problem internally that stops them from
04:05
from accessing that part of themselves
04:07
here’s where the results get skewed
04:10
many guys because of this sense of
04:11
entitlement where we think god before i
04:14
get to a certain age i have to have
04:16
played around enough i have to have
04:17
traveled enough i’ve had to have had a
04:18
ton of adventure i need to have made a
04:20
certain amount of money i need to be in
04:22
a certain place in my status in my
04:23
career they have all of these things
04:25
that they feel like they need to check
04:27
off before they meet the woman that
04:28
they’re going to spend their life with
04:29
and settle down here’s the problem
04:32
despite this sense of entitlement many
04:34
of them never achieve all of those
04:35
things by the time they meet that woman
04:38
right so all of a sudden they’re meeting
04:39
this amazing woman and they think god i
04:41
could marry this woman i could spend my
04:44
life with this woman if only
04:46
i’d been to all those countries i
04:48
already wanted to go to if only i feel
04:50
like i played around enough had enough
04:52
adventure if only i’d already made that
04:54
money that i said i’d make you know i
04:55
said i’d be a millionaire by 30 i’m not
04:57
i need to keep going with that they have
04:59
all of these things that they feel like
05:00
they haven’t done yet when they meet
05:02
that person and all of a sudden they
05:05
find themselves sabotaging a
05:07
relationship not because the
05:08
relationship’s wrong but because they
05:10
feel like they haven’t arrived at that
05:11
place in their life just yet oh that is
05:13
so that is so profound and is i think so
05:16
true
05:18
yeah it’s tough it’s very very tough so
05:20
yes
05:21
here’s the key this the key isn’t about
05:23
trusting more i think i think the idea
05:26
of trust is is actually
05:28
misguided in many cases the onus isn’t
05:31
on you to just trust people blindly
05:34
that’s dumb
05:35
that’s what ends up with you being
05:36
murdered in a dark alley somewhere it’s
05:38
just i just trust everyone right
05:40
you don’t just trust people
05:43
what you do is you
05:44
allow people to earn your trust
05:47
and you give them the chance in the
05:49
first place that’s all it is i’m going
05:51
to allow you to put in that five percent
05:53
of f amount of effort that allows you to
05:55
get five percent of my trust then 10 and
05:58
15 and so on that’s how any relationship
06:00
is built you don’t start with the trust
06:02
you build the trust so any guy that’s
06:05
going to be worthy of you has to show
06:07
that he’s worthy of you by the
06:08
investment that he puts in and by
06:10
showing you that he’s actually
06:11
interested in the same things that
06:12
you’re interested in in terms of a
06:14
relationship that’s going to be built
06:16
over time the easiest thing you can do
06:18
for yourself is to look for guys in the
06:20
right stage of their lives in try
06:21
instead of trying to convert guys in the
06:23
wrong stage of their lives
06:25
so
06:26
it’s so true if you want to find a guy
06:28
in the right stage of his life or you
06:29
want to find out if a guy is in the
06:30
right stage of his life simply ask him
06:32
the right questions when you’re early on
06:35
ask him you know what are you interested
06:37
in in a relationship at this stage in
06:38
your life or do you feel like you still
06:40
have more that you want to get out of
06:41
your system uh if you talk about his
06:43
past relationship why did you break up
06:44
with that person that’ll tell you a lot
06:46
by the way does he talk about it being
06:48
you know he’s the reason that they broke
06:49
up because he wasn’t ready for a
06:51
relationship or is it because of
06:52
something that she was doing and
06:53
therefore he just hadn’t found the right
06:55
person if you ask the questions he’ll
06:57
give you the answers most women never
06:59
ask the questions and so they never get
07:00
the truth from a guy because they don’t
07:02
want to hear it
07:04
so just go and be smart about it i’m i
07:06
you know i you’re going to be fine
07:08
because you’re you’re clearly an
07:09
intelligent person you clearly want the
07:10
result and you’re clearly measured
07:12
you’re not biased you just want to find
07:14
someone great so keep going out there
07:16
keep your chin up and when you talk to
07:18
guys
07:19
measure them based on their investment
07:22
not based on what you want them to be
07:29
i’m going to give you the scenario and i
07:31
know you’ve probably been there before
07:33
you can play it out in the worst
07:35
possible way it starts like this
07:38
one person
07:39
brings up that they have this friend if
07:42
it’s a a woman early on in the
07:44
relationship she’ll be like oh yeah one
07:46
of my one of my guy friends blah blah
07:48
blah
07:50
and one of the immediate things that
07:52
goes through his head is
07:55
well who is this guy friend
07:57
and have you hooked up now this happens
07:59
the other way too of course he’ll get a
08:01
message it’s from jane and you go did
08:04
you
08:05
so is that who is jane is she someone
08:06
that you’ve slept with before or what’s
08:09
what’s going on is she just a friend
08:10
have you always just been friends
08:12
we have this sort of initial insecurity
08:14
and territorial nature that immediately
08:16
makes us question the opposite sex now
08:19
this would be ridiculous if we weren’t
08:21
right a lot of the time
08:23
because of course a lot of the time we
08:25
are right we question someone we go well
08:27
have you ever been with that person and
08:28
we’ll find out oh maybe there was a
08:30
little bit of history there now ladies
08:31
i’m going to be speaking to you in this
08:33
episode because it’s a it’s a
08:36
a guy problem i think even more than a
08:38
woman’s problem that guys get overtly
08:41
territorial in this sense
08:44
you can have for example a woman who
08:46
says and i this actually came up
08:48
recently with a friend of mine she said
08:50
to me this this guy that i’m dating and
08:52
i really like he got really frustrated
08:54
because i i ended up telling a story and
08:57
indirectly it referenced a guy that i
08:59
knew a few months ago and i said you
09:01
know it’s this friend of mine and he
09:02
said well have you hooked up with him
09:04
and she said yes
09:07
now she said i was just being honest and
09:09
i i don’t like lying so i just said yes
09:11
but ever since then he’s had this
09:13
massive problem with it so much so that
09:16
by the way this guy is from chicago he
09:18
now
09:19
he now has an issue with chicago like
09:22
you know when that happens and i you can
09:24
like you could be sitting here listening
09:25
to this episode and thinking that’s
09:27
absurd but i know you’ve done this i
09:30
know that you’ve had someone that you’re
09:31
jealous of that your partner has slept
09:33
with or done something with and they’re
09:35
in another city and you have developed
09:37
this irrational hatred for that city or
09:40
that place it could even be a restaurant
09:42
it could be a part of town it could be
09:44
in some cases it’s a country like you’ve
09:47
dated someone from a country and then
09:49
you just completely fell out of bed with
09:50
that country afterwards you said that’s
09:52
it i’m never going there again screw
09:55
argentina now
09:57
how do you get around this situation
09:59
because it’s tricky you don’t want to
10:01
get into the territory of always lying
10:02
to your partner and saying no nothing
10:04
happened there i have a few tips for
10:06
this firstly i wanna i wanna help you
10:08
understand the male psychology here
10:10
because it’s easy to berate the opposite
10:13
sex for the things that they do their
10:15
bad habits this is one of man’s and i
10:17
mean literally man’s bad habits is that
10:20
we get overly territorial and we develop
10:22
this kind of double standard towards
10:24
women you know oh it would be okay for
10:27
me to have hooked up in the past but you
10:29
hooking up no i don’t like that right
10:31
men develop this double standard towards
10:32
women that’s not okay however
10:35
understanding where it comes from is
10:36
very important before you deal with it
10:39
one of the problems for this is men’s
10:42
unhealthy attachment to women seeming
10:44
pure and innocent and never having been
10:46
with anybody at the same time by the way
10:48
as wanting her to be wildly experienced
10:50
and amazing in the bedroom catch 22
10:52
there but guys do
10:54
go through this all of the time the
10:56
second problem guys have is and this by
10:59
the way ladies you contribute towards
11:01
this one a little bit this is an
11:02
interesting one
11:04
if he’s been courting you
11:07
for the last three weeks because he
11:09
likes you and you like him and he’s been
11:11
taking you on dates and and great
11:14
dinners and these romantic scenarios and
11:16
he’s just now getting to the point of
11:18
sleeping with you
11:20
and then he hears that you hooked up
11:22
with some guy six months ago on a
11:24
one-night stand or someone you’d barely
11:26
seen and he was just sleeping with you
11:28
uh willy-nilly so to speak
11:31
without having to do anything none of
11:32
the fine dining a guy thinks screw this
11:37
what so hang on i
11:39
you you you’re with me right now and it
11:41
took me three weeks to get to this point
11:42
with you and then some guy you don’t
11:44
even care about was able to get this
11:45
from you in one week without even trying
11:48
how is that okay he imagines him
11:50
bragging to his friends about how he
11:52
slept with you and you’re just this
11:53
person he sleeps with whenever he wants
11:55
and here he is spending money on dinners
11:57
taking you out trying to turn you into
11:59
his girlfriend and having a harder time
12:00
than the who didn’t have to do
12:02
anything so that annoys a guy it
12:05
frustrates a guy now women i know where
12:08
you’re coming from this is the backwards
12:10
logic why no the reason i made you wait
12:13
is because i like you
12:15
right how mental is that but it’s the
12:17
truth if you don’t care about a guy
12:19
you’re far more likely to jump into bed
12:20
with him than a guy you really like and
12:22
you go oh well no i just i didn’t want
12:24
to ruin it with you so i made you wait
12:26
that by the way although i understand it
12:28
is not logic that a guy can understand
12:30
he just thinks he’s insignificant that
12:32
he’s not as special as the last guy so
12:35
when this issue comes up understand that
12:37
it both comes from a pig-headed place
12:39
and a wildly insecure place at the same
12:42
time and you have to deal with that with
12:44
a certain level of sensitivity now the
12:46
first thing is do not use his language
12:48
the mistake my friend made is when he
12:50
said did you hook up with him
12:52
she said yes
12:54
in other words all he now hears is i
12:57
hooked up with him
12:59
use your own language instead for
13:01
example you say um
13:03
look it wasn’t hooking up i we saw each
13:06
other for a little while we saw each
13:07
other for a couple of months okay now
13:10
they may be the same thing
13:12
but you’re using your language instead
13:14
of his a guy will always use the most
13:16
self-harming language he can
13:18
because he’s trying to be especially
13:20
when he’s trying to paint a picture
13:21
about you he uses coarse language to
13:24
describe it but if you reiterate that
13:26
language or you just affirm it it’s like
13:28
you’re the one saying it guys will lead
13:30
you into that trap so instead soften the
13:33
language in your own way put it in your
13:36
terms
13:37
second when you talk about it be bored
13:39
of it
13:40
don’t say oh this you know this guy
13:42
don’t look he was an idiot i can’t stand
13:44
him don’t do not start dissing the guy
13:47
from the past or talking badly about him
13:49
all it shows is how much you care how
13:51
much that guy was able to hurt you and
13:53
still is in your head right now be bored
13:56
about it be like look yeah you know we
13:58
saw each other for a little bit it’s so
14:00
done so done i’m so over it uh and
14:04
truthfully i don’t even want to be
14:05
talking about it it bores me
14:07
be bored that’s the best reaction you
14:09
can have to guys from your past is not
14:11
to be angry not to be overly sentimental
14:14
just to be bored of it
14:16
because for a guy in your present that’s
14:18
something that isn’t intimidating to him
14:20
is your boredom but your anger as soon
14:23
as he hears your anger he thinks oh god
14:24
she really liked this guy so be bored of
14:26
it
14:27
use your own language and be a little
14:29
sensitive
14:30
in other words you can say to him look
14:33
truthfully i’m with you now and i care a
14:36
ton about you and you’re my only
14:37
interest and i don’t care about anyone
14:39
i’ve been with in the past that’s not my
14:40
interest right now that’s boring to me
14:42
you’re interesting to me because you’re
14:44
who’s in my life right now and i want to
14:45
put all of my attention on you
14:48
so be sensitive with it guide it in the
14:50
direction you want to go and don’t feel
14:53
like you don’t it doesn’t have to get
14:54
your back up just because he deals with
14:56
it badly and always remember that you
14:58
know kindness goes a long way always
15:00
remember when when the the
15:03
situation is reversed
15:05
you want his sensitivity as well if
15:07
you’re insecure if you’re jealous if
15:09
you’re going through something you also
15:11
want his kindness as well so be kind
15:14
men by the way quick note if you’re
15:16
listening stop shaming you know who
15:19
you are we do it all the time we date
15:21
women we get annoyed with stuff that
15:22
they do that we do the exact same thing
15:25
and it’s because we’re territorial and
15:26
we’re insecure and we have a hard time
15:28
imagining it i get it i’ve been through
15:30
the exact same thing but we gotta get
15:32
over it because if we want someone who’s
15:34
the type of person we actually want
15:35
someone who’s lived someone who’s
15:38
you know up for adventures someone who’s
15:39
exciting and interesting and has lived a
15:41
little guess what those people come with
15:43
a past they’re not clean slate
15:50
what are four of the primary traits that
15:53
men are really looking for in a woman
15:55
now obviously this is subjective
15:57
obviously not every man follows these
16:00
four as their top four but i think this
16:02
is a pretty good stab at it number one
16:05
playfulness playfulness is one of the
16:08
most attractive traits because life is
16:10
hard enough without being with someone
16:12
who is serious all the time someone who
16:15
can be a bit light and fun and dare i
16:17
say goofy is somebody that makes the
16:20
world a little more pleasant to be in so
16:23
we look for that in our partner that
16:24
could be somebody who when a great song
16:27
comes on they start dancing in a funny
16:30
way or in a silly way or in just a cute
16:32
way it could be somebody who when they
16:34
look at you in that moment they say if
16:36
you don’t kiss me right now i’m gonna
16:38
die
16:40
the second one is sexiness
16:44
sexy
16:45
is not somebody who has to be overtly
16:48
sexual it’s somebody who shows their
16:50
sexual side you can show your sexual
16:52
side in a number of ways you can show it
16:54
by moving in a sexy way you can do it by
16:57
showing somebody that you desire them
16:59
that shows you have a sexual side when
17:00
you think somebody is hot when someone’s
17:02
doing something that’s sexy that shows
17:04
your sexy side it can be by a look that
17:06
you give somebody you could give a guy a
17:09
little cheeky look across the table that
17:11
says i’m undressing you right now with
17:13
my eyes and you don’t even know it and
17:15
now he picks up on something but you
17:17
don’t actually have to say that that’s
17:18
what you’re doing when he says what you
17:20
can go what i wasn’t i was just looking
17:22
at you and in that moment there’s some
17:25
tension or you can interpret a look he
17:27
gives you and when he looks at you a
17:29
certain way if it’s sort of manly and
17:31
strong and there’s something seductive
17:33
about it you could look at him and be
17:34
like you can’t look at me like that not
17:36
in public don’t do that that’s bad and
17:39
then look away turn away get him out of
17:41
your sight because it’s too much for you
17:43
just in that moment he feels that sexual
17:45
tension and he sees that you have a
17:47
sexual side number three nurturing the
17:50
person
17:51
who makes you feel
17:53
both loved
17:54
and looked after that’s the person who
17:57
when they see you yawn doesn’t like slap
17:58
you on the arm and say
18:00
i wake up it’s still early it’s the
18:03
person who when you yawn says long day
18:05
babe
18:06
let me come here give me a cuddle let me
18:08
come come nestle under my arm right here
18:13
it’s like that person who’s just sort of
18:15
nice and
18:17
warm
18:18
and has that loving energy everyone
18:19
wants to be looked after a little bit
18:21
don’t they
18:23
just makes the world seem like a better
18:25
place like life is just one big giant
18:29
hug
18:30
now number four is kind of
18:31
counterintuitive
18:33
independence a lot of men when asked if
18:37
they were being honest might say they
18:39
wouldn’t want their woman to have too
18:40
much independence because it scares us
18:43
when you’re independent we get a bit
18:45
insecure because we feel like you’re not
18:47
going to need us anymore but the reality
18:50
is when you are independent when you
18:52
have your own life your own hobbies
18:54
things you enjoy doing things you enjoy
18:56
learning about and you have your own
18:58
strength of mind independent of him
19:01
that’s what keeps him attracted that’s
19:04
what keeps his desire level high it’s
19:06
also by the way what makes him feel like
19:08
he has a great teammate because if you
19:10
can go away and be strong on your own
19:11
when you come back you can be a better
19:14
leader for him as well because when he’s
19:16
in self-doubt mode when he’s worried
19:17
about something when he feels like he’s
19:20
questioning himself or he’s fearful in
19:22
that moment when you’re strong you can
19:24
be like i believe in you babe i know you
19:26
can do this everything is going to be
19:28
okay i’m going to help make sure of it
19:30
you can be a strong teammate when you
19:32
are independent but when you’re not
19:34
independent and all of your worth is
19:35
tied to him or linked to his state of
19:38
mind then you can’t lead when he needs
19:41
someone to be strong when he needs a
19:43
rock now this may sound intimidating but
19:45
you don’t need to be all of these four
19:46
traits at the same time the key is to be
19:50
the right amount of it at the
19:51
appropriate time and if somebody sees
19:53
that over the course of a day or a week
19:55
you can be all of these different parts
19:57
of you they see a multi-faceted human
20:00
being that they never want to let go of
20:02
i really want you to watch this next
20:03
video i think it’s going to make a big
20:05
difference in your life click the link
20:06
here now i know the temptation when a
20:08
date is going well is to drag it out as
20:11
long as possible because you’re enjoying
20:13
being with that person but that’s not
20:15
always productive think of the best
20:17
concert you’ve ever been to it ended on
20:19
a high and we want our dates to do the
20:21
same
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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The post Do These 3 Things To Make Him Commit to You! [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.